January 28, 2023

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Spy Kids Sent to Destabilize Central American Democracy In Way Over Their Heads

UNDISCLOSED CENTRAL AMERICAN LOCATION — The real life Spy Kids, who inspired a popular series of films loosely based on their exploits, have found themselves way in over their heads after being sent on a mission to overthrow the democratically-elected leader of a Central American country. 

“Hm, I really thought they were the ones for the job,” said Donnagon Giggles, an OSS technicians expert who has been involved with the controversial Spy Kids department since its inception. “While it’s true in the past they’ve handled more domestic situations, we felt their continued aptitude for any and all tasks they’ve been given was a sign that they were ready to take on more substantial work. A lot of people believe that spy work is cool gadgets and catchphrases, but it’s actually going into Central American countries and making sure that their leaders are the most agreeable to American corporations. And it’s entirely on us for thinking the Spy Kids were up for that challenge — we’re willing to admit that.” 

The Spy Kids were reportedly dispatched to an unnamed Central American country several weeks ago with a mission objective of destabilizing the local currency to protect American interests. The trouble reportedly began almost immediately upon their arrival. 

“This is Juni Cortez here, one half of the Spy Kids,” began the only dispatch received from the team thus far. “We were immediately made, detained, and forced to spill information about our operation in exchange for access to water and toilets. I’ve told them most of what I know, and yet, have managed to protect our country’s interests in the drug trade. If you find this message, please look for us in the darkest, coldest corner of this place you’ve sent me and my sister to. Tell my parents I love them.”

“And please,” continued the letter. “Let the Spy Kid program die with us. This has been, to say the least, shiitake mushrooms.” 

As of press time, the latest exploits of the Spy Kids had been optioned for a feature, tentatively titled Spy Kids 5: Where Are The Spy Kids?